Weaponized Zukes in Canada by @elle_rush

*WARNING * CRITICAL MASS ACHIEVED * WARNING *

If you follow me at all on social media (hint, hint, see below), you'll know I'm into gardening. I thought it would be fun. This is my second year with a large vegetable garden. I thought I learned my lesson last year. Apparently not.

Approximately ten days ago, my zucchini plants hit critical mass. Since then, they have doubled in size every two days. Fortunately they are still confined to one section of my box garden, but I don't know if that will hold them for long. I estimate one more week before I lose all control.

June 13th

July 17th

Yes, I have weaponized zukes.

I do my best to ensure my zukes don't threaten my neighbours (there are only so many you can "generously give away"), and that they don't go to waste (did you know you can shred them and freeze them for future baking?), but some days it feels like I'm losing the battle.

I made a ton of pineapple zucchini bread over the winter. (It's an excellent recipe BTW, and freezes wonderfully.) And we learned that small zucchinis bulk up barbecue veggie baskets very well. Sadly we learned this late in the year - this summer we will grab those little zukes before they get as big as my forearm.

Things went nuclear quickly this year. We followed directions on the seed package and only planted 4 sets of seeds. They say 4 seeds per hole, so that's what they did. Then we had to split them into 8. Then two more popped up, so we have 10 active plants. We know from last year that not all of them will flower, but still. Do you know how much fibre that is going to be? Do you!?!?

Let this be a warning to future zuke manufacturers and distributors. You do not have control of this weapon of gastronomical destruction. Control is an illusion. These things must be fiercely regulated and only allowed to proliferate once per neighbourhood. Canadian summers are the best for producing zukes, and we could easily rule globally, but do we really want to do that to the planet? Because that is a lot of tasteless cucumber.

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