Life, as of late, has been amazing and wonderful and joyful. I'd all but forgotten my dark and traumatic past. Love was the catalyst for a new beginning. He held me until all my broken parts began to fit back together. As I've come to learn, recently, sometimes those broken parts don't completely heal. They lay dormant in the dark, dusty corners of our minds like an insidious enemy; waiting for the first crack, the first flicker of mistrust; the first sign of self doubt.
I am blessed to have such a wonderful man in my life. I am lucky that he puts up with my bullshit. If you've been following me on Facebook you'll know that recently my corporate job has had me travelling out of the country for several weeks at a time. During that time I realized just how much I love him. Although we spoke every day my heart ached being away from him. During a very emotional moment when I was feeling very homesick I asked him to marry me and he said NO.
He made a joke about it, suggesting that I had apparently been drinking too much Tequila, and quickly swept it under the carpet. I hadn't been drinking, I was in fact completely sober and absolutely serious. I tried to stop it from bothering me, but those fracture lines in my heart began to become unstable. As much as I fight it, my mind supplies me with endless explanations for his refusal, reminding me of every flaw that makes me unworthy of love. I wake up every morning wondering if this is the day that he figures out that he can do so much better than me. It's amazing that after 18 years the psychological aftermath of the tyranny forced on me by an abusive partner is triggered life like a cancer that's been in remission. It takes every ounce of emotional energy I have to fight it some days.
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| And on that day the sun refused to shine on my dark forest. The trees became sad and refused to dance. And my butterflies had broken wings. |
For the past two years it's felt like I've been living the dream. Even now, every time I see his smile my heart flutters. The danger of loving and trusting again is the eminent fall. I so desperately wanted to believe in 'Happily-ever-after'. Cramming all the hurt and pain into those closed corners of my mind and hiding them beneath cobwebs is my survival mechanism. When you find your other half they sense those things. There isn't much I can hide from him. In a quiet moment together the other night he engaged me in an open and honest discussion about our relationship. This is where it all becomes very difficult for me.
He loves me. I believe that. But I love him at the level where I'm ready to make a life long commitment to him, and he's not yet at the same place. I get that, I really do. I've been alone for 18 years, his marriage ended only a few years ago. I never thought in a million years that I'd ever want to get married again after what I went through with my first husband. He is NOT that man. He is kind and caring and loving. He is a GOOD man. He loves me, but he just doesn't want to marry me. I'm dumbfounded that I didn't know. That I couldn't tell. I honestly thought he'd say yes, and I'd return from Mexico and we'd begin planning a big outdoor wedding at our new property. Instead, I returned wondering if rushing into such a big investment together was a mistake. What other things have I pushed him into that he might be regretting? Doubt is a poison that destroys all that is good. Believing in his love is the antidote.
I love him. I know I do because my heart hurts right now. For two days I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep and I couldn't stop crying. I'm still not even sure why it's so important to me, or why it hurts so much. It will take a little time, but the hurt will will subside and be forgotten. Nothing is ending, or changing. We'll get back to a joyful and happy life together. Just not as husband and wife. Many couples have long happy relationships without getting married. After all being loved and sharing lives is all that matters. It's what we should all hope for. What we want to read about in stories. 
Voted one of this summers top Romance Novels in a poll by
Metamorph Publishing.
From Serious and heartbreaking to wistful and hilarious. Finding
love again, dealing with everyday life and blending families. Reviewers say
that Roger is the perfect book boyfriend, kind and caring, with just enough
protective alpha to make a woman feel appreciated and loved. ‘Refusing To
Expire’ was an engaging, cleverly written, and highly amusing delight. I simply
could not put it down.
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