Valentines day... Mushy Moments, Self-Love, Annoying Cowboys, Mercy Sakes...How long is this post? OOH look ! Chocolate!

            There seems to be a lot more of these mushy moments lately. I thought long and hard about what to share with you today. Valentines Day. For some, the most romantic day of the year, a day to celebrate LOVE.  I am blessed to have friends and family who love me. I really am. So, I’ve spent some time reflecting on the Love in my life.  Not just the love I feel today… but past love... unrequited love… and lost love… And I've decided to elaborate on a post from my Facebook timeline from a few weeks past. I received such an overwhelming response from fans and friends that I thought perhaps you might also find some value in my thoughts. BTW... I'll get to, the most important kind of Love, a little further in this post. Unless, I get distracted… oooh look chocolate!

             Be patient with me for a moment... Lets call this the Prologue... lol Many years ago, after ending an unhappy marriage, I threw myself into building a very successful corporate career. Over the years, I’ve coached several soccer teams to championships. Raised three boys, on my own, to become equally successful and wonderful young men. I've written and self-published two Novels. Why am I telling you this? Well because, like most woman (I think, anyway) in the midst of the chaos, everybody else’s needs came first. I became so-and-so’s ex wife or so-and-so’s mother. I shifted into 'SURVIVAL' mode, and somewhere along the way, I lost myself. To anybody standing on the outside, looking in, it would appear that I had my sh*t together. I was living the dream.

            Well, my friends… I have some shocking news.  Over the years, as time passed, there were more and more days where I doubted my own worth. I didn’t feel smart, or successful, or beautiful. I blamed myself for my failed marriage. I sabotaged every romantic relationship along the way because I didn’t feel that I deserved to be happy. I held myself to such a high standard for intelligence, success and beauty that I'd be certain to fail. 

            Now stay with me, because this is not a long depressing… poor me kind of a story. It’s about to get better. (I could be lying, but you won’t know until you get to the end. lol)

 Enter the man... any of you who are friends with me on Facebook know the one I'm talking about. The man who just showed up one day and posted a comment on my timeline. The smooth talking, poetry writing Texas cowboy who, somehow, totally swept me off my feet. Reluctantly at first, but he’s as persistent as I am stubborn. Have I mentioned that he’s so easy going and calm that it’s annoying as hell? Many times I grumble, “I really hate you right now.” To which his reply is always, “You misspelled Love again, Kitten.” lol  So… is it a fairy tale romance? Well, it’s been eight months and our relationship is not always love poems. He challenges me and often calls me out on my own bullshizzle. I’d roll my eyes right now but he’d laugh… pretend to pick them up and blow the dirt off them and say… “here … you dropped these.” 

            Every day since I met this incredible man, he greets me with a “Good Morning, Beautiful.” This morning, like every other, I waited anxiously, and he didn't disappoint me. For some reason this morning, I got a little ‘extra’ warm and fuzzy.  I'm not exactly sure why this thought suddenly crossed my mind, but it was that moment when I realized something. This is how 'real' love feels. Now don't get all excited thinking you figured it out, cuz real love is NOT the most important kind of love.  You see, over the years, I allowed and tolerated relationships in my life, with people who, perhaps unknowingly, made me feel bad about myself. You know those kind of people, we all do. Friends, Coworkers and even Family who validate your insecurities and make you feel like nothing you do is ever good enough. The kind of people who build themselves up by knocking others around them down. Now, I'm a very smart girl... a degree in industrial maintenance, several business diplomas and soon I will have my first designation. So I scratch my head at how this happened. Completely exhausted and believing that I was 'broken', I gave those people the power to make me feel unimportant, unworthy and unloved. 

             So here's the magic.  When I heard it this morning... “Good Morning, Beautiful.” I felt it, in my heart. I knew... without a doubt that this is not just a polite greeting, from my cowboy. (although that's the kind of man he is. Kind and Caring to everyone in his life.) There is sincerity in his words when he says it. He sees something in me that I haven't seen in myself for quite some time. I am a smart, beautiful and sensual woman… somehow, he has always seen it... and he makes me believe it. When things get tough, like relationships tend to do and I start to freak out because I’m afraid I’m going to F*ck it up… he smiles and assures me, “You’re fine, baby. I’m not going anywhere.”  There’s just something settling about a man who cares enough to protect me, from myself.  Dreamy sigh. Okay…Focus! back to The Most Important Kind of Love. 

            So I did it... I closed my eyes, took a breath and opened myself up to accept his love. REAL LOVE. The result? Well believe it or not, the world didn't implode or come to a crashing halt like I'd convinced myself it would. Something amazing happened. Self-Love is something that I no longer struggle with. Those old insecurities… no longer dwell in my thoughts. Being ‘me’ is good enough; being imperfect is perfectly fine. He has given me the most incredible gift. He's changed the way I feel about myself... and it's reflected in my life. I'm happier... I sing love songs and dance around the room. I walk with my head up and smile at people... and guess what... they smile back. I'm kinder to myself, learning to let go of the things that I can't change and forgiving myself for being selfish enough to put aside time to do the things that "I" enjoy. 

To make a short story extremely long… (If you’ve read my books you know that’s how I roll.) I felt that I needed to share this with all of you. The most important Love you can celebrate today (and everyday) is Self-Love. When you get to that place where life wears you down and holds your ‘Inner Goddess’ hostage, REFUSE to believe that you’re not smart enough, pretty enough or good enough. When you don’t know where to begin to be kind to yourself… and self-love is something you're struggling with...Stop and take a breath… If no one else has told you lately then allow me to remind you. You are BEAUTIFUL,You are NEEDED, You are WANTED and YOU ARE LOVED. Let go of any relationship that doesn't make you feel that way and SMILE.

You Are Worth It !

A Love Letter to Olivia James from Ethan O'Connell

This morning I woke and began my day like every other. As I made my way into the city, I began to be aware of things that I had never noticed before. A young boy and his dog playing fetch out the front of his home. A young child standing at the end of the driveway, backpack strapped to her back, holding tightly onto her grandfather’s hand. A young mother-to-be walking her husband to his car and sending him off with a passionate kiss. All beautiful things. Wonderful things, things that until today I would never noticed.

As I continue my journey through the rolling hills of Belfountain, on my way into the city, I begin to truly appreciate its beauty. When I crest the top of the highest hill, the view takes my breath away. I can see forever. The still rising sun begins to illuminate the pale grey-blue sky revealing a ribbon of pink across the horizon. It reminds me of cotton candy; lacey evening gowns lined in silk; feathery kisses… and You.

Suddenly it all becomes very clear. I have travelled the world and experienced her history, engaged in her culture. I obtained everything I have ever wanted or desired. I fulfilled my every whim for adventure. But I haven’t really ‘lived’ until I met you. You are the part of me that’s always been missing. The other half of me. I didn’t even know that I merely existed until you stepped out of that car and my heart beat your name. Since then it hasn’t stopped beating, it only gets stronger.

A tremendous shift has taken place in my world. Work no longer holds me hostage. Our life together is what lingers in my thoughts. I live to see your beautiful smile. It’s become more precious to me than air. I want to be the one responsible for it. I will spend the rest of my life building you castles, showing you the world and writing you love songs. Eternity just doesn’t seem long enough, to show you the full extent of my love. The day I started living was the day that you believed to.

                      I love you, Olivia James